Grandma Gets The Suffering: Ties That Bind, Battles Giant Lizard

Grandma told me she received a suspicious package in the mail yesterday, a package containing the gift of "Suffering." Seeing how successful Surreal and Midway are doing with the franchise; I mean- MTV just acquired the rights to transform the beast into a movie- this was a pretty cool thing to do for Grandma. Thanks guys! I'll have more on this news when I get back to Aurora tonight; it seems that Grandma is up to her eyeballs in new games for about a month, and I want to be there for the show.


On a stranger note, someone in our neighborhood decided the best place for a five foot long, vegetarian, sub-tropical reptile would be on the fence in our backyard. The neighborhood kids told us they found an iguana, and I figured they found a salamander or a newt and just got confused. No. It was a god damn iguana, and the thing looks at least 5 years old because it's HUGE. I got the raptor-like animal into a big 55 gallon aquarium which barely held it. Grandma and the kids put in some lettuce and Mom and I got out the heat rocks and lamps (oh yeah, dude- we're ALL about the herpetology) and asked around the development to see if anyone left their windows open and let their guard dragon escape from its post.

Our worst fears were realized, however, when some kids pointed out the house from which we had just received a "nope; no iguanas here..." did in fact own the gentle monster. They just left it out because it got too big, I suppose.

Fuckers.

Grandma wrestled the feisty thing on to her arm and took it to a local pet store that was happy to help out. With all of us circled around the battle of Grandma and Godzilla with our boxing-conditioned bobs and weaves just in case it made a move for our faces like a bunch of pussies; in retrospect could have used a camera. The kids were afraid to come near it, and rightly so; for it was bigger than them. I have no excuses for the rest of us.

Little bastard scratched the SHIT out of us.

So if you notice any symptoms of salmonella poisoning manifesting themselves in my posts, call for help; although- except for spelling I'm not sure how you could.

--More posts coming tonight! More videos soon! Thanks folks!--