The Mother Of All Political Campaigns: My Grandma Hates Jack Thompson

My Grandma hates Jack Thompson. When the Florida Bar Association granted this man the ability to file paperwork all by himself, they unleashed a demon. Yes, a demon. A demon with righteous indignation and a bad hair cut; the worst sort of demon.





Here are the facts:

1. Known by his peers as "Jack The Insufferable Bitch," he has whined about "2 Live Crew" without reading a little poem by Alexander Pope called "The Rape of the Lock," in which Pope is as nasty as he wants to be.

2. Jack Thompson walks like a sissy girl and has cooties.

3. Jack Thompson, under the veneer of moral firmity has chosen easily targetable elements of culture which, driven on a pre-existing field of popularity painstakingly built by artists, musicians and designers, unfairly must hoist him into the collective attention of the nation to defend themselves from his unfounded attacks.

4. Jack Thompson has sex with chickens. Underage, minority, atheist chickens. He then aborts their unfertilized eggs in a cruel ritual he calls "the omelette of love."

5. In propagating an unqualified smear campaign against Rockstar Games, Jack Thompson has saturated the minds of an unproductive legislature with fresh ideas of mandated social tyranny, in which the choices of all parents are placed under the scrutiny of those who distrust their own constituency, creating political red flags and unnecessary debate and causing the unfortunate and horrifying transformation of Hillary Clinton into a Tipper Gore clone.

6. Grandma says he looks "shady."

7. Jack Thompson has misrepresented the understandably cautious "family friendly" market, in which a decision to not purchase a game based on its rating is considered an unspoken allegiance to Jack Thompson rather than a parental choice. Jack Thompson takes credit for the current game-content awareness parents and guardians take to retail outlets.

8. Jack Thompson murdered Mufasa by hiring Hyena cronies to drive a stampede into the very canyon where Jack Thompson's nephew Simba awaited a 'surprise.' Upon accusation of his involvement, he only replies "I.... KILLED... MUFASA!!!!"

9. Jack Thompson received an F- while attending college for his thesis on William Hogarth's series of paintings: "Marriage A-La-Mode," stating Hogarth's message was "Disgusting, sensationalist, and indicative of the video game designers painters of middle 18th C.E.,." Upon the reception of the grade, Jack Thompson was heard to scream "Oh YEAH? Well I'll SUE you!! I'll SUE ALL OF YOU!!! SUE!!!" Midterms at Queens Community College are today immortalized by "The Jack Thompson Pre-Exam Party" in which everyone dyes their hair white and screams "I'll sue you!" while drinking Cafe' Nelsons and smoking large, pretentious cigars filled with delicious, exotic leafs.

Let it be known!! Grandma is going to show what Jack Thompson really is, as if that can't be discerned from hearing the man listen to his own voice. I'll talk to Grandma about this disgusting man and post what she says.

So it begins.

--Update!! Grandma Quote of the Evening:

It's the wee hours of the night and she's still playing God of War.

[2:00am EST] [Oracle] Kratos! Hurry!! Athens is crumbling!....
Grandma- "God, why doesn't she shut up?!"
[Oracle] Kratos, please hurry!! I'm up here!!
Grandma- "This bitch is getting on my nerves." [to television] "I HAVE TO MOVE THE STATUES!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! CHRIST!!!"
[Oracle continues to scream]
Grandma- "This chick sort of reminds me of that guy Thompson..."
Me- "Jack Thompson?"
Grandma- "Yeah. Fuck that guy." [high pitched mimiced voice] "KRATOS!!! SAVE ME!! WaaHH!!"


The fight continues....