Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Vanity Plates; Daxter; Minor Surgery

Grandma thought it would be cool to label her POS Poniac Grand Am with something a bit more substantial than a bumpersticker, so she ordered customized lisence plates with the tag: "OGHC," as though the local police aren't already on the lookout for a vulgar woman speeding to and from Gamestop. She's currently devoting most of her time playing Daxter for the PSP, which has allowed her to get used to the tiny thumbstick. Yesterday she went into St. Thomas Hospital in Akron for minor back surgery; the surgeon told me everything went well and I'm going to pick her up today! So... good news all around.

I've never been a fan of vanity plates. I'm not a speeder really and I don't drink and drive but I've always felt a little nervous passing a police car with a dude inside focusing his attention on everything I do. A few things give cops the excuse to pull over some jackass just to make sure they don't have a doobie in the ashtray and a body in the trunk: first being a bumpersticker that reads "Fuck tha PO-lice," second being a Hummer H2 with a gun rack and an image of a fetus in the back engraved with the phrase "Confederacy NOW." Third is a vanity plate.

However: when Grandma first suggested the plates for her car she was kidding around. She wasn't even certain how to go about acquiring such a thing, and was pretty sure a four digit tag was either reserved for government plates or already taken. Just to be a smartass, she looked into it and bought them.

I put them on the car because she couldn't bend that low.

Her worst fear is being pulled over for a broken tail light or some stupid thing and have a police officer ask "so what's OGHC stand for?" The answer has already illicited stares from DHL delivery drivers, I'm sure it would be a less than pleasant experience with a person with any authority. If, by chance, she runs into some backwoods sherriff with a hard-on for pornography and "librels," she's fucked.

She wasn't quite sure where to begin on the PSP given the 20 games Sony sent her, so she took your advice and bough Lumines ($12.00 used at any GameStop) and played around with Medieval Ressurection and Daxter, settling on the last to get started because she made it the farthest the quickest.

Grandma playing the PSP is like watching a kid try to play one of those awkward ball mazes they give as stocking stuffers at company parties. She flails about, moving her arms from side to side and, when in the car, up and down to match the challenge of glare as it appears from passing trees.

"It's a platform game. Literally. You jump from platform to platform and kill bugs, I don't know what to tell you. I only killed a couple bosses so far so far... Tim, I can't give you a review till I'm further on in this thing, what the fuck do you want me to tell you?

Just tell people it's fucking hard."

The pains in Grandma's back that made me panic back in May were finally corrected yesterday in a surgery that involves injected what is more or less concrete onto her spine in an effort to fuse a fracture. She HATES anyone fucking around with her back, but after a lot of bitching and moaning she went in and had the thing fixed. To tell the truth, I was more nervous about this one than she was; any time they use general anesthesia I get the shakes that she won't wake up. Grandma brought her DS lite and her PSP to the hospital, so tomorrow I should have a better opinion of Daxter from her because she's been laying on her back with nothing else to do but focus on the game.

I'm curious how much further she's gotten, and what sort of opinions the nurses in Akron had upon discovery of her "hobby."

I'll let you know more about Daxter and the hospital tomorrow after I get back. Also, Grandma has some opinions about a few things in the gaming news recently she would like to express ;)

Game on!


  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Cool. Look forward to hear how Grandma's doing, both in the game and with her back. The license plate is just highly amusing to me.

  • At 11:36 PM, Blogger Crazy Raven Productions said…

    Feel better soon, Grandma!!! Back injuries suck, but hey, as you said, they allow for serious gaming focus. (My last major injury got my City of Heroes character boosted about 10 levels. But I digress.)

    Don't let the nurses get you down. Game on!

  • At 8:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Grandma! Great to hear that you're getting your back done because as much as hospitals are rotten places to be, with any decent luck it will mean an end to the back pain problem once and for all, and that's a good thing, right?

    I'm glad you took to Medievil: Resurrection and Daxter on the PSP so quickly (they're two of my favourites) and that you bought Lumines - DEFINITELY a worthwhile investment. Yes, in the first part of Daxter you pretty much just swat bugs, but as you go on things get more interesting and Daxter gets closer to finding and rescuing Jak. And yes, it gets harder. I can't get past the Transit System level. Argh.
    And in Medievil, as soon as you get the spade and the club, go back to Dan's Crypt. Near the exit to the level, there's a wall that can be broken down to find a hidden room with - well, let's just say you'll need the spade and club (or warhammer) both, and that it's worth it to find said room.

    I love the personalised "OGHC" license plate! That is incredibly cool. But if faced with intimidating authority figure, probably safer to say it stands for "Our Grandma, Hellishly Cool" or something. Yeah, it sounds silly but better than making some idiot think you're catering to a specialized porn market, right?

    All my prayers are with you at this time for your health and your back.
    Love, Jen/blackroseowl

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger 100LittleDolls said…

    I hope you have a quick recovery from your surgery, Grandma!

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The PSP makes a great video player, so maybe it would help people understand what OGHC really stands for (the concept, not just the words) if you had some vanity OGHC-related video on your PSP memory card.

  • At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ah, I hope Grandma's ok... my thoughts are with her. Also with her thumbs... hours of intensive hospital-beased gameplay!

    I also wanted to tell you guys that it's entierly your fault that I finally caved in and spent £50 on Guitar Hero.
    I am about as hooked as a girl can get, thank you guys for bringing me such a glorious waste of my free time, I love it.

  • At 1:31 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    I hope grandma is doing well. Daxter is so much fun, It's easily one of the best games on the PSP. Also I'd recommend playing Lumines with some head phones on to get the real full experience, I think the first time I played I was over at a friend's house and I lost track of where I was after about 3 hours straight of ignoring their conversation. (messed up my comment the first time.)

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Leci said…

    I drive a pontiac grand am... It looks just like Grandma's. But mine doesn't work. It only goes 2 miles per hour. xDD Diggin' the license plate.


  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ahh yes...Q3 2006, the time alot of us have been waiting for. I must have all the q3 games that were shown at E3. Love the license plate ,adds a personal touch.
    I can imagine someone beeping at her to hurry up and her screaming out the window to fuck off XD. I hope her back gets better too.I don't reccomend the PSP as a video player really either, games mostly in my oppinion or music.

    Also on a suggestive end note, Tim i really think you should tell us what you think of the games both you and grandma have played as well, i like your views on alot of things.

    Daniel Parrey 16
    Sydney, Australia

  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger Chrissylas said…

    So glad that Grandma got her back fixed. Here's hoping she is back and better than ever soon! Love the personalized plate. I'm generally not a fan of those things but in this case I really think it fits. Can't wait to hear what she thinks of the games as well as the gaming news in general. Go Grandma!

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    wooohoo, that plate is cool. grams rocks!!!

  • At 6:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awesome plate and choice car color.:o

  • At 12:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hope your grandma has a fast and speedy recovery!

  • At 2:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The woman had not been quite confident Buy GW2 Gold where to start this for the Sony psp due to the Twenty online games Panasonic routed her,buy D3 items and so the lady needed ones guidance in addition to bough Lumines ($12.00 utilized on any kind of GameStop) and playedbuy D3 Gold out around using Old Ressurection along with Daxter, selecting the past to start Cheap Diablo 3 items because she managed to make it your farthest the easiest.


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