Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Grandma Trapped In Time Vortex; Fights Both World Wars Several Hundred Times

Grandma was born February 1st, 1936 in Cleveland, O. She doesn't remember too much of FDR, but she does remember food rations; waiting in line for hours with her mother for substandard cheese and bread. A somewhat troubled home, she was sent to a "Fresh Air Camp" from which she subsequently escaped to see her brother. She remembers sitting next to him listening to her favorite radio show: "Innersanctum Mysteries."

These are some of the few memories Grandma has of the period. Thanks to so many game developers with a penchant for history, she gets to relive every aspect of World War II from every perspective; Axis, Allied, Neutral, Indiana Jones, Gangster, Superman, Space Alien, and numerous others. Just to keep the memory alive I guess.

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem contains its own contribution to the reenactment of the deadliest years of the last century. This time it's the first World War, "The Great War"; and no one is talking about the Kaiser or a possible Mexican invasion of America via a man named Zimmerman- nope; it's all about those runes.

Amiens, France was apparently not the best place to be in 1916; especially if you happen to transcend the soldier-civilian paradigm; and most certainly if there are deadly ancient powers manifest as a giant Spider Monster standing in front of you.

Mustard Gas, I understand, was also a problem.

But not as much as Zombies.

It took Grandma a long time to get through Chapter 9 in the game. Her surprise was in the effectiveness of blade weapons over rifles against her enemies. She could target them much easier, finish them off without worrying about the awkward reloading vulnerability period or running out of ammo. She could focus on what is important in life: killing the undead.

"No!!! Fucker! ...got me with a FIREBALL, where the hell am I supposed to RUN?"

".....SHIT! No, RELOAD. 'B' Button! BEE BUTTON!!! I pressed the fucking thing!"

"Fuck this I'm using a sword."

"This SUCKS because you have to stand still in order to get the spells to work. You have to stand still, but then the zombies come at you and the only time you can hit him is when the zombies are up so you have to time it right and if you don't you're FUCKED."

"You motherfucker, you. How long does this shit go ON?"

"I GOT HIM!! Yeah, fucking DIE you ...spider...thing."

It was as difficult as you folks led her to believe, but she was ready. This game only has three more chapters, so it should all be over soon. Will Grandma defeat the ultimate evil? Will the final chapters be too much for our heroine? Our thrilling conclusion awaits!!


  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    Yea that chapter is quite annoying. I have to say that's probably the hardest boss in the game.

  • At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That level was a god damn pain. I'm glad Grandma got through it!

    Go Grandma!!

  • At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    February 1st! Grandma and I share a birthday. :D This is excellent as I spent many hours of my youth scouring the backs of baseball cards in hopes of finding a player with whom I shared a birthday.

    Eternal Darkness is great. I remember not going to class for three days while another guy in my dorm and I went through it. :D He wasn't as funny as grandma though. :(

    Stay cool daddy-o.

  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Huh. When I was a kid my grandfather gave me a few "old radio program" albums one Christmas. One was Blondie, one was Dick Powell as Richard Diamond and the last was Inner Sanctum Mysteries. That was all of Inner Sanctum that I ever heard but I loved it. It gave me chills. Plus, it had the original, live (at the time) Folgers (or was it Ovaltine? Nestea?) commercial at the end of side A.

    What I'm wondering is will she replay it three more times to try out each color?

  • At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    congrats on getting through that pain in the ass level. =P Also, just a little heads up, if you beat it with all three colored runes, you get a special ending.

  • At 7:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah that boss was the worst. Almost quit the game there.

    Mama Lombax

  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger dogdogdog said…

    That radio show was called the Inner Sanctum. :)

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    I FIXED IT! :)

    Sorry about that. The woman talks, I type- you know the drill ;)

  • At 5:23 AM, Anonymous College Term Papers said…

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  • At 3:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Long lasting Diablo 3 ItemsDarkness is fantastic. Walking out to not necessarily going to school for 3 times whilst another guy within my college and I have it. :D He / she had not been seeingBillig WoW Gold that humorous seeing that mom though.


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