Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

OGHC- The Unforeseen Consequences; Good God, What Have We Done?

When I started this blog, I thought about many scenarios in which the content could be portrayed as hurtful to others, depressing instead of funny, or even dangerous to my family and I've tired fairly successfully to avoid any nastiness.

I didn't anticipate, however, the damaging effect our now beloved title "Old Grandma Hardcore" would have on the general population. The blog has been run through many language translators since its creation last June, and I often wondered about the retention or the semi-pornographic silliness of the title. We've received funny stories of folks walking in on someone laughing at the blog, looking at the title and immediately weeping to their mothers that the love of their life wouldn't share their most intimate fantasies, no matter how unorthodox. All these stories have had a happy ending where Ctrl+H and five minutes of reading confirm that they don't in fact have a geriatric fetish to worry about.

One story, unfortunately, doesn't yet have a happy ending, and I've agreed to help out a bit for a few reasons. First, because- hey, man: anything to help a reader! And second because stuff like this just writes itself.

Let's all give a big hug to J____ from Florida. I've agreed not to print the kid's name so it doesn't pop up in conjunction with all the other various off-color search terms that bring a small percentage of readers from MSN and Google each day. We'll call him "Jay." Jay needed a quick OGHC fix Monday, and was excited to find out that Grandma would be coming home from the hospital. He chose to load the page from his high school library.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going.

Jay was spotted by the ever present gaze of the librarian reading a page titled "Old Grandma Hardcore," and reported him to the disciplinarian bodies that be. Jay has now been given an "In School Suspension" and won't be able to access the internet at school for the rest of the year for viewing "questionable material" using the school district's equipment (which, by the way, runs an old version of Safari, which doesn't make the site look that pretty anyway.) The most important element of this "internet tale of woe" is now the boy has the words "accessing pornography about old people" on a document somewhere in his permanent record. You know there have to be kids working the offices at this school that hear about this mess thinking "well, that's a hell of a rumor..." I don't want this guy to be a granny-porn-pariah for his remaining years of high school angst, so I drafted a letter to those who hold power over his life to request mercy. Here's the letter:

To whom it may concern-

It has come to my attention that one of your students was issued a punishment for accessing our website (http://oghc.blogspot.com, hereinafter "OGHC") using the school's computers. I submit that his perusal of the site was merely for academic reasons, thus our website's classification as "questionable material" should change and his disciplinary record over this matter cleared.

Contention #1: OGHC is a daily chronicle of the life of Barbara St. Hilaire, an older woman with a heart of gold and a passion for video games of all types. Often she becomes frustrated at certain obstacles within these games that cause her to use a fascinating post-cold war American vernacular that shows not only the human condition in times of extreme emotion, a status not easy to replicate in labs and impossible to fully understand in such tests as the Stanford-Binet or the MMPI-II, but also the product of years of technological evolution from the popularity of the radio to the implementation of a complex global network that is the internet manifested in a string of vulgar exclamations.

Contention #2: Many authors of books no doubt contained within your library were also considered obscene and "questionable" within their date of first publication. We beg you to research the condemnation and subsequent censorship of authors within the Elizabethan, Romantic, Modernist, and Post-modernist periods, and try to empathize with future literary scholars to find your own definitions of "questionable" antiquated, thus expanding your view of this matter.

Contention #3: OGHC may have a title of "Old Grandma Hardcore," but that title is meant not only as a "gamer-specific" technical term to be understood within the community of video game enthusiasts, but also as ironic. The use of irony is an often misunderstood matter within classroom discussion, and our site may better illuminate this term for your students. OGHC does not contain pornography of any kind.

I hope we can exchange correspondence to better our understanding of this situation, and I thank you for your patience and your time. I regret that I had to write under these unfortunate circumstances and am sure that rationality will prevail in the end.

With thanks,

-Timothy St. Hilaire
Creator, Writer:

I asked Grandma about it, and she said her letter would be something like this:

Dear Assholes,

It's not a porn site. I don't do porn. Leave the boy alone. Good God, didn't you even look at the site? ...Poor kid.

Thanks for nothing, fuckers.


If anyone needs us to patch something up for you because of the site, don't hesitate to ask- we'll do our best. Most of our readers are of drinking age, so I don't imagine this will happen very often, but we're here if you need us.

--More updates on the way!--


  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Seems more like school's are getting more into punishing than teaching anymore. Oh and Grandma your letter is right on lol. But I think Tims will be more helpfull.:)

  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow...what a story!
    I think it's really crazy to punish the boy without even looking at the site -teachers can be SO annoying.

    btw: I really like grandma's letter. Short, but good xD

  • At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    They didn't even LOOK?! ::facepalm::

    Poor kid. I hope this gets straightened out. School districts give me the creeps nowadays (and damn does that make me sound all crochety or whatever). I like your letter very much, and grandma's equally.

    Ironically there is somewhat more in common between us in this: about a year after I'd bought my site name, I discovered (to my horror) that the former owner of the URL ran a German bondage porn site. Oh, SWELL! ::headdesk:: It is for this reason that my poor little webcomic is blocked from many schools' net access, all because that sort of thing apparently doesn't get cleared up easily. Sigh.

    Anyhow! Best to you guys, and good luck to the kid. You want to start up a general letter-writing campaign, you got it ::wink:: GAME ON!


  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger adam. said…

    Wow, so scary that an library worker at a high school (pry a volunteer) could see the word "Hardcore" and immediately assume the worst. Maybe they have a problem at the school with kids beating off in the library.

    You would think that the librarian could at least give the student the benefit of the doubt and listen to an explination? For some reason I doubt this occured however. Even worse, while being disciplined by school administration you would HOPE that the true nature of the content would come forth?

    Grandmas letter fucking rocked tho man, when its all cleared up you should forward it to the powers that be just for kicks!

  • At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That poor kid!!! I think his parents should DO something! Sue the school, or something. They didn't even investigate the website!


  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger Brinstar said…

    Unfortunately I'm sure that stupidity like this within the administration of the American school system is all too common.

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    I am still in a school, a junior in high school to be exact, and there are some things you just don't do at school.

    I agree with everyone else that the teachers/administrators should give the kid another chance, but this whole thing could have easily been avoided.

    Before you use a school computer you have to think. The ones at my school are all networked, and the desk in the front of the class has the ability to see what anyone is doing on any of the computers networked to it. If they catch you reading your e-mail while you are supposed to be typing an essay, they'll just revoke your internet rights, or log you off of your computer as a silent warning.

    Just one of those, "Think before you act." things I guess.

  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Azalee I think you hit it right on. From his e-mail, I think he was probably at the library for a class of some kind- and probably shouldn't have been looking at blogs in the first place, let alone one about Grandma!

    Still, they shouldn't just suspend the kid and take him out of classes for a day because he was on OGHC. I think it was the title more than anything that locked the deal. We're not changing the title, though, that wouldn't be cool.

    He already served his time, but I thought the letter would be a friendly way to help shed light on his interests so they didn't think he was into something else. :)

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    That's good that you aren't changing the title. People know OGHC as is. Shit hit the fan, but that wasn't your fault. You shouldn't have to change your creation because someone was stupid enough to go against the school/class rules.

  • At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My school gave me 3 saturday schools for having a pack of cigars in my car. Not lit mind you or in use on school property at any time. Oh yea and I'm fucking 18! Schools don't teach, they're too busy sucking parent's balls and making them feel their kids go to a "safe learning environment".

  • At 12:34 AM, Blogger elgato said…

    My son is a junior in high school at a small town in Texas- It seems that it's still 19 fuckin 54 here, I just dont get the fact that the teachers are so "moral" but yet they guzzle vicodons wash it down with beer while screaming "dont do drugs" I dont get it! I would pay a few hundred to see whats on their hard drives at their home... I bet they have been doing some searching that would be deemed Immoral.....

  • At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Tim I thought Grandma might like this. Some Rockstar vs Jack Thompson action.


  • At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Schools SUCK! School Administrators, Superintendents, Teachers, Principals - they all SUCK! Hell, think about it. What kind of world do we live in today that finds it necessary to have on-duty police officers ASSIGNED to schools? They are not there to protect, they are there to discipline the students! Schools don't teach, they CONTROL! My son had his book bag searched last year for "bad cds". I called the school and used words like "illegal search and seizure", "illegal detainment" because nowhere in their "handbook did it say cds weren't allowed. I asked them who the fuck they thought they were to determine what was "bad music" for MY kid?!?! Mother Fuckers stopped talking to me and would only have their lawyers talk to my lawyer. Bastards-oh-so-fucking moral! They know nothing about grace and forgiveness and second chances. They only know about control. If you grasp tightly a hanfull of sand many grains fall to the floor. Those grains represent all the kids falling out of the present day school system. But if you cup your hand loosely extended then you can carry alot of sand without dropping any. We used to know this in our country. We used to try to nurture children to think for themselves. But not anymore. Freedom is an ideal that this generation will never see under the present school structure. So don't blame Johnny when he carries a gun into a public place and shoots somebody because he thought he could because there wasn't a posted sign of rules at the fucking door to tell him not to and it wasn;t in the handbook he had to sign to get in the door.

    Oh, and btw, the "bad music" my son was carrying... Pink Floyd.

    Sorry, I hate schools. I hope Jay's parents get a lawyer. I would.

  • At 7:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    when I was in high school, a friend of mine got suspended, and borderline expelled, for having a porn magazine in his locker.
    A few years after I graduated, one of the teachers got busted using school computers to look up porn, and got his computer privileges revoked. And some sort of reprimand. During all of this, it came out that he was making inappropriate comments to some of the girls at school.
    (Tim, this all happened in Wellington, dunno if you heard about it or not)
    They didn't fire him or anything, I think he was suspended for a week or so. After he returned to work, he got busted AGAIN for looking at porn on school computers. And he STILL coached the girls basketball team!!!
    As far as I know, he's still there.

    Bottom line: high school sucks, and, in particular, most kinds of bureaucratic entities suck.

  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger DDREEK said…

    "Dear Assholes,

    It's not a porn site. I don't do porn. Leave the boy alone. Good God, didn't you even look at the site? ...Poor kid.

    Thanks for nothing, fuckers.


    I just almost shit my pants, I'm not the kind of guy that busts out in a rumble of laughter at the slightest thing, I think this blog is one of the funniest things i've seen in a great while but I have yet to do more then portray a bright smile at the funniest of antics on this blog, but this, THIS had me holding my stomach because it hurt so bad after I finally stoped laughing. thank for that very arobic episode, it felt great.

  • At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I miss granny. YAY! SHE'S BACK!

  • At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sweet! Tim, have you ever considered getting your masters in bovine scatology (MiBS)? I think you would be good at it. Just the same, I would have to agree with both you and Grandma. The school needs to chill out. Keep up the great site. Game On, Grandma!

  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm a teacher. I've been reading your blog for a while now, and have always found it enjoyable. This was the only post and follow-up comments that left me more and more disturbed and concerned. Did the school ever respond to your letter? What happened to the boy? Was it taken off his permanent record?

  • At 4:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Forgive me for assuming -- and for asking -- but did that unfortunate occurrence take place at a public school?

  • At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    if you do a search on google and type old grandma hrcore you will indeed get some pon sites, i had a kid i was in school accidently type lycos wron and a porn ite popped up this school must be a bunch of assholes to give him ISS befor reading some of the stuff and seeing that it is a harmless site. but then again they might have still gotten onto him about some of the language thats used in it.

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My school wasn't so bad...

    No cops at the doors, no random searches (well, unless they were doing one of their 'DARE' drug dog searches, which were maybe twice a year.

    A student once accidentally put in 'www.hotbod.com' instead of HotBot, the search engine. Needless to say, lots of porn popups, but didn't get in trouble, since it was obvious it was an accident.

    Though, there WAS another incident, where a teacher let a student on his computer with his login, and while the teacher wasn't around, printed out porn on the printers. Teacher got asked about it, and boy was he PISSED.


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