Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The New Grandma Experience: Headphones

Usually Grandma cranks up the surround sound when she plays a game. The low bass hum coupled with shaking furniture from the awesome power of our wattage makes the dialogue in Psychonauts, already heavily accented in some instances, difficult for Grandma to understand.

The makers of the game anticipated such people so they give you the option of subtitles, which Grandma dutifully turns on; but Grandma doesn’t lower the volume, that’s just not her style. So, I gave her a nice huge pair of Koss skull-sucking headphones and a six foot, 1/8th to 1/8th plug extension cord with a 1/4th adapter so she can turn it up as loud as her already deaf ass will allow, I can turn off the speakers so the dogs come out of hiding, and we all live and die happy.

Or so I thought.

This has created a situation I had not anticipated. The television is turned toward Grandma and she’s wearing headphones, so unless I choose to pay attention to the game, I have no idea why exactly she’s screaming at the television to “BURN!! BURN ASSHOLE!! BURN!!!!”

I have now entered the realm of the contextually defunct. As I type what she says, I imagine only other players of the game Psychonauts will really understand what the hell she’s talking about. The rest of us can only imagine. Seeing as I have no fucking clue, I find myself as confused as some lower level intelligence agent relaying code to “Headquarters.”

See if this means anything to you:

“SHIT! He keeps falling off the- SHIT!!!!”
“Come HERE you stupid fucking squirrel! I NEED that!”
“He won’t grab onto this- SHIT!!!!”
“Is that kid playing with himself?? What’s he doing to that hole?”
“You dummy, you missed the rope.”
“Shut the fuck up, you annoying brat!”
“Oh!! Emotional Baggage!!”

Your guess is as good as mine.

--More updates on the way! Thanks for the comments and e-mails; you know what we likes!--

--Update: I Swear to Fucking Christ

I turned on the speakers so I could get a hint of what's going on in Psychonauts while she plays, and I was treated to a full half hour of a looped kid crying as he tried to get out of a lab to go to the bathroom. I leaned over and the subtitle read simply: "WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" This word does not nearly edify to you enough to the pain I felt drifting through my spine down to my feet creating a phantom sting on the very bottom of my soul. Grandma is having a blast, but Jesus CHRIST!


God Damn...--


  • At 4:19 PM, Blogger Ozark said…

    lmao@ oh!! emmotional baggage

    Been there, done that. I hear ya Grandma Hardcore. I hear ya.

  • At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This will actually make her videos easier to hear because the game won't be interfering. Actually, if you want to go mid-tech, you can take the input on the camera and run the stereo output of the game to the left or right only on the camera, that way one channel can be clean grandma source and the other can be the game sound she's reacting to. Panning on the user end at playback time will allow grandma's audio to be isolated completely!

  • At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ROFLMAO ok ok omg you are killing me and I'll have to give that game another chance

  • At 7:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    haha...the squirrel had something you needed ... one of the scavenger hunt items? I don't even remember now. It's been too long. Shit that was a fun game though.

  • At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can't breathe! AHAHAHAHA! What is he doing to that hole? ROFL!

  • At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OMG. Nice post!

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous loan rates said…

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