Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Grandma Vs. Psychonauts The Sequel: The Rumble In The Jungle

Playing XBox in the hospital was a different experience for Grandma. As predicted, she had several doctors, nurses from all over the hospital (including one from the pediatric department who mocked the children's N64 by saying "There's some old lady that has an XBox up on the second floor..."), and a few patients find their way into Grandma's room to see the spectacle that is Psychonauts. Because it's a place of "rest" and all, Grandma refrained from swearing too loudly most of the time. This must have affected her gameplay the same way some folks get annoyed by restraining their need to "drive the controller" trying to get that extra few feet jumping to the infamous ledge. Now that she's home, however, she is in full Optimus Prime vulgarity mode, uninhibited in her off-color superpower and kicking ass.

Here's a tiny example of Grandma's homecoming:

"Okay, so now I have her mind.... now what the fuck do I do?"

[Game] - You're technique is dull... HAHAHAHAA!!
Grandma - "This guy is the most annoying cocksucker I have ever- HOW DO YOU FLOAT INTO THE MUSIC NOTES?? It doesn't always work, look! I can get so far then- FUCK!!!!!"

"Oh my god. You did not just fucking- OH MY GOD."

"See, I have to use telekinesis to move this dude, and then he fixes the bridge."

[Game] ...I can't wait to die for his cause!
Grandma- "Yeah, I bet you can't."

"What the fuck is this? Tim! What the fuck is THIS?"

Grandma - [slams hand onto arm rest]
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "It starts you ALL the way back here. And I mean ALL THE WAY. That's no god damn fair..."

"Look at this guy! HA!"

"You ....fuzzhead- just jump; just once- JUMP! JUMP GOD DAMMIT!! [...] FUCK!"

"I quit. This is impossible. These assholes kill me every time. I quit! I give up!"
[30 minutes later]
"MotherFUCKER!! God DAMN! It's about FUCKING TIME!"

Grandma's back, bitch! And she has plenty to do. God of War is so close to being played to its ultimate end, after which the "replay value" comes into effect- to show people who come over for Thanksgiving "Hey, you have to check this game out..." World Championship Poker is still her current XBox Live addiction, and she's looking for a game to keep her Gamecube company in those long dark nights ahead, after she's done with Psychonauts.

Quothe the Grandma- "Thank GOD I'm back. Hospitals are a pain in my ASS."

--Updates on the way! We're back to a steady schedule of Grandma goodness for everybody.

Also- Thank you all for the support you showed Grandma. The comments, the e-mails, the get-well e-cards, everything- it meant a lot to her. It especially helped when everyone here wasn't sure what was going on, what could have been wrong; preparing one's family for the possibility of open heart surgery, not trusting the doctors, freaking out, etc.,... You guys stayed cool for us. I'm sorry I couldn't respond to everyone's e-mails when the shit hit the fan, I know you guys understand; I'm just putting that out there. You have again vindicated my respect for the online community as a whole and of what it is capable. Many of you are gamers, some of you aren't- but you all helped out Grandma.

From the bottom of our hearts- Thank you.

Now let's rock the fuck on--


  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger elgato said…

    Grandma just rocks!

  • At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    YAY! i'm glad to hear that she's okay and back in her 'natural habitat' =P.

    [Game] ...I can't wait to die for his cause!
    Grandma- "Yeah, I bet you can't."
    -i just about died after reading that quote.

  • At 3:36 PM, Blogger ivorynetsuke said…

    >>You ....fuzzhead-<<

    rofl!!! I gotta remember that one.

    Good to see you back, Grandma. You have a huge e-family that cares about you =)


  • At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We're just glad everyone is back safe & sound and ok! Grandma never fails to brighten my day. ::smile:: Be good and GAME ON!


  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    I don't get my daily dose of curses unless Grandma is around. ^_~;

  • At 7:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma i love you!

  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rock on grandma!!!!!

  • At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hmm, Gamecube goodness... Too bad there's not much on the horizon. I wonder if she'd be into Killer 7? One of the characters says "Fuck you!" every time you get a kill, so that's a plus. Oh, and there are some cool characters, and the story is fucked up. It's just weird man.

  • At 1:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey tim/grandma, wanted to say hey for the first time. ive been a faithful OGHC cultist for a couple months now. actually i wrote an email and never got a reply =( but thats ok considering the medical shit and all. grandma is my hero and elderly rolemodel. keep on keepin' on...

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    A new challenger- Well, Grandma really loved RE4, so Capcom's on Grandma's good side. Killer 7 might be a good bet, but I think she wants Geist first.

    Scott- Thanks for reading, man! Sorry about the e-mail thing- I'm going to go back through all our unanswered questions now that I have the time to respond again. Thanks for understanding!

  • At 10:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wait till she gets to the Meat Circus, then you'll hear swearing like you wouldn't believe.

    I @#$*&(&* hate escort missions.

  • At 3:15 PM, Anonymous bmpharmacy said…

    Indeed grandma rocks, how many of us would love to have a grandma like this one.

  • At 12:36 AM, Anonymous World Of Warcraft Gold said…

    We have been just glad most people are back again secure & appear along with okay buy rs gold cheap! Granny by no means does not lighten up my own evening. ::laugh:: Be great and also Sport About!

  • At 2:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A brand new cheap D3 items challenger- Properly, Grandmother definitely beloved RE4, and so Capcom's upon Grandmother's good side. Monster 8 may well be a good bet, however i feel GW2 itemsshe would like Geist initial.


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