Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Grandma Becomes Psychic; Foresees much Swearing

Grandma decided to go out and buy Psychonauts today for the Xbox. She popped it in and played for a little bit without saving just to see what the game is like. There is a formula for deciding which games will be particularly frustrating for Grandma.

Four or five components make up the formula.
The values for V [Crazy Voice Acting] and A [Incredibly Arrogant Main Character] are curiously linked to the number of necessary "double" jumps (J) and the number of times Grandma "dies" within the first 20 minutes of gameplay (K, or in this case 9) which are proportionate to the Golden Total Death/F Ratio whereas F = number of audible vulgar outbursts.

The usual game, say- Crash Bandicoot for Playstation has low values for both V and A and so, expectedly, J - K > (D/F) We give this a Grandma Value of Frustration set at 3.

The more challenging game, such as Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver has a low value for V but a high A; thus J + K > (D/F) This game has a GVF of 5.

Then there is the "S" class of gaming, say ...Resident Evil 4. High Values for both V and A, so J = 0; K = 20 < (D/F) This game has a GVF of 9.

We're still searching for a perfect 10.


Formulas suck.

Anyway, this game has, so far, a lot of crazy voice acting and a whole shitload of arrogance on behalf of the main character; lots of double-jumping and buckets of stuff to collect, buy and upgrade. God damn right. Grandma is digging the gameplay, and the graphics are certainly what one would expect from Schaffer's earlier work. I think she's going to enjoy this; I also think that enjoyment may come at a horrible price. After completion of Psychonauts, I fear that a Nun somewhere on earth will feel an uncomfortable, cold shudder and write frantically to The Vatican that a great disturbance to the force has been detected.

That disturbance will be the chain of profanity invoked by Grandma's XBox, coldly pulled from her mouth like a dentist slowly removing many meters of swallowed floss.

Looks like this could be fun! The game looks very cool, prepare yourselves for a trip....

--More updates coming, but you already know that. Thanks for the comments and e-mails everybody!!

Also; I'm jumping on the blogsphere's call for action- There was a bit of a thunderstorm down in the delta this week of which I'm sure you're aware. PLEASE help if you can. Grandma has a lot of friends down there who know her through the site and she's always asking if anyone e-mailed to say they're alright. (Like people would e-mail me; who the hell am I? I think they have other things on their mind.) One of the most profound things I've ever done is watch Mississippi and Louisiana drop out of existence on our incoming links / ISP board early Monday morning. That wasn't nearly as terrifying as what they had to go through; so if they need volunteers leaving from my area to help, you bet your ass I'm down there. Please do what you can, folks. Otherwise we're still bringing everyone some Grandma to lighten their day.

International readers; bear with me, we're all having a meltdown over this thing.

More Hot Grandma Action coming tomorrow!--


  • At 1:15 AM, Blogger Leci said…

    Yay for new games. :D

  • At 2:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    But doesn't Grandma want to paint tulips? She could have Kratos rampaging through them, delicately cutting swaths of them at once; slender stems severed from verdant plants, like the heads of innocent Athenians from their bodies. Heh.

    Man, I'm not holding my breath as to "a game for grandmas" coming out anytime soon. Fucking game industry can't even wrap its head around "making a game that can be marketed to women" (despite the fact that the main obstacle to this is just being cognizant of the fact that if you have shit in there that is deliberately offensive to women, guess what, most women won't buy it!), let alone older women, so go figure. We need more females in this business - I'm tired of being one of the only ones out there bearing ovaries, so to speak. If the hours weren't so insane and the locations weren't likely HOURS away, Grandma should totally be a tester (if not a designer, ye gods). That would be so great: she shows up, and the recruiter huffs and tries to explain what a "vid-ee-oo game" is to her, and she said "I KNOW what a goddamn GAME is, I'm Old Grandma Hardcore for fuck's sake, I beat God of War on God mode, and I'll beat YOUR ass in BITCHSLAP mode if you don't shut the fuck up and give me this job." (well, this is a lot of how I would react, and largely HAVE reacted when given this schpeal from lameass guys in the past, so I apologize for being presumptuous) And the guy would look like Ares had just kneed him in the Mean Bean Machine, and OGHC would promptly be hired. And GAME ON!

    Anyhow. Looking forward to video! As I am on vacation actually being able to WATCH it might not happen for me until Monday, which grieves me, but huzzah, hooray, video! And huzzah hooray Psychonauts, too! Take care, be well, and all the best to you both.


  • At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hah, I just bought Psychonauts also.

  • At 9:11 AM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    Blue - I think you're going to have a hard time defining what offends the typical mature ovary-bearing person. Being one of these myself, I have to say that what offends me more than anything is a lack of save points, piddly amounts of ammo, and Darkwatch cutting away from Tala's breasts just before they could have had an incredibly erotic and terrifying shot of the blood running from her throat down her cleavage. They had the chance - and they blew it. Yes, I know that they were obviously banging. I know you got to see just a smidge of nipple. But that could have been awesome and they wasted the opportunity!

    Okay, minor rant over - congrats on the new purchase Grandma! We bought Psychonauts for my stepson but I haven't played it. Is it loads of fun coolness?


  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I haven't played psychonauts yet. :( I'm sad. :( It just looks so AWESOME!!! I really, really, really want to work for Tim Schafer. I should not do film and do game design instead. Fuck, I hate choosing a major.

    Play it up for me Grandma!

    ~Steph~ (I'm still too lazy to sign in, sorry)

    PS, did anyone see Kanye West on the relief concert last night?!

  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Blue, I don't think she would have the patience for beta testing games, reviewing is more her style. Also, she may scare people. But you're right, that does sound like her :)

    Kirvi- I see nothing wrong with erotocism in games, I agree with you; but I can definitely understand how most women feel cheated from games that seem to be to specifically designed for raging hormonal boys. I have to get Grandma Darkwatch yet, how is it?

    ozark- that's true! this game does look like a trip, man. It's like Tim Burton and Jhonen Vasquez got really drunk and made a great game somehow.

    azalee- it does sound like her :) but I don't see Grandma telling anyone ever "I'm Old Grandma Hardcore, BITCH!!" She's not one to abuse her popularity. In person.

    Steph- Don't worry, I think this game will eventually be on the Greatest Hits collection. Why don't you intern with him for awhile? A film major is very relevant to the gaming industry anyway. I don't know what the fuck is up with Kanye West. You know, the man was frustrated. I can understand that. But I truly don't think anyone in the Federal Govt. said to themselves "hey, those are all black people down there, we shouldn't save them..." It's more complicated than I know, so I'll shut up now- I don't know shit about shit when it comes to this mess.

  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I totally agree with you now Tim. I had just come back from a day of classes where all the discussions were "THEY WANT THE POOR BLACK PEOPLE TO SUFFER!!!" I'm not one to let other people's rants effect me, but I had just seen and heard too much that day, and GOD DAMN! I just had to blame someone at that moment.

    But, I have since rationalized things and think I was a bit too rash with my thoughts.

    *Sigh* I can't wait for a video of Grandma playing Psychonauts. I need to watch something else. It will be a nice change from the news.

  • At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hurrah! Psychonauts! I'll have to start playing later and see how long it takes me compared to Grandma. :)

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    Tim - re: Darkwatch.
    It's a renter. Maybe 6 - 7 hrs, could last a little longer if you ramp up the difficulty. The art is pretty cool, Cassidy's voice gets tres annoying early in the game, may be good for a replay if you want to see both the good & bad endings and check out all the powers. Only buy if you can find a used copy (Gamestop applies the full amount of purchase as credit if you return a used game within 7 days!).

  • At 6:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    kirvi - It's not so much that they bang, but that she's totally nakies and hes just in his normal clothes... what, is he too "studly" to strip? Make GUY gamers see some half-vampire man-ass, dammit! And she just seems... laughable as a character. I dunno. Just seemed like something out of a bad porn to me, and if I don't even get to see HIM sans clothes, well hell, WTF. I think when a chick's waist is smaller than her head in a game, that should make that one record-screeching sound and people should just reconsider that. But, hey, maybe it is just me, with thin skin. I know all games out there can't be happy-super gender-inclusive, but it bugs me when 1) pretty much NONE are, and 2) really good games make dumb decisions that shoot a possible new market in the proverbial nut right from the get-go, with elements that could have safely been left out with NO damage to the game. I think it's a mistake to equate "nudity" with true "maturity," and that seems to be all we're getting lately.

    Anyhow - with Darkwatch's main character, I think part of it is that he reminds me of Cable from the X-Men, and I fuckin' HATE CABLE. Even his brain-dead creator, Rob Liefield, couldn't remember which friggin eye of his was the glowy one and which was normal, and I swear to god I've seen EITHER of Jericho's eyes glow in promo stuff. And what is it with vampires (full and half) with their mouths all gapey like we would ever, for five seconds, FORGET they were vampiric? It's like Paul Rubens in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) hissing and baring his teeth every four frickin' seconds, or that Ray Ban commercial with the vampires where - when they're laughing - one chick is awkwardly holding her mouth open big enough for a tennis ball to wander blithely in.

    I love me the gothic horror when done right, the creepy Tim Burton vibe, but Darkwatch just comes off as lame to me, and trying too hard to be all risque and yeah. Lame tit-tacular female characters, tough guy "I smoulder with generic rage" stereotype, I'm already distracted by something shiny. Lookit, hey! F.E.A.R.! I may hate your silly acronym title, but you look much cooler than Darkwatch. I like your shiny horror-ey goodness. And slow motion EXPLODEY! Glee!

    End random ranty. Game on!


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