Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Grandma is not "Street"

She just likes to swear. Yes, it may be due to to our non-existence at local churches, her blue-collar upbringing, her particular fondness of spicy food, but who really cares why she is the way she is. It may have been an overstatement to say she is a kindly old lady "off the court" and that her personality somehow changes when she's gaming; an overstatement only because she is somewhat a pariah with the local neighborhood kids.

This requires further background. In our house at the moment before next semester there is Grandma, 69; Mom, 43; Me, 22; Kenny, 14; and the twins, Barbie (named after Grandma) and Bobby, both 12. This means that my younger siblings friends are of that annoying stage of their life where every stick they pick up is a phallus and every hole they find is a sphincter; producing an age of crazed MTV / Nick Jr. hybrids who listen to decent music yet still scream "PENIS!!" when riding by a tree on their bike.

This, understandably, is pretty goddamn irritating. Grandma, however, is not one to just let the penis-bikers roll by, thinking "Christ, they're going to look back on themselves and cry" like the rest of us; no. She will proceed to terrify the living shit out of these kids. She has screamed out the window for complete stranger's children to "Get the FUCK out of our LAWN your making our FUCKING dogs FUCKING BARK!!!" Now normally, I would quietly laugh to myself thinking they get what they deserve, I mean- it's their fault we have to go 25 m.p.h. in this godforsaken neighborhood; but it's not always the punks that get yelled at. Sometimes it's some innocent little boy, playfully chasing a seseme street ball into the yard just a bit, right before going back to his Daddy and trying to enjoy a happy fun game outside. Grandma doesn't always wear her glasses, she only knows that the Sith cater to no one when you turn off the auto-pause function in Knights of the Old Republic, and that the dogs won't shut up- ruining some good dialogue between Carth and Bastilla on the nature of the Dark Side; so out the window goes her head, stretching so far outside the skin on her neck portrudes veins not meant to be seen, like some comic book character emoting in sheer extremeness: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE YARD, ASSHOLE!!!!!!"

I feel bad for the kid, and for the kid's father who now has to explain to his sobbing boy why the mean lady across the street hates him so much, but she's Grandma, so whatchagonnadoo?


  • At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just happened to stumble across this blog and by far this is the best stuff ive ever read on the internet. You can count on me reading this every day until she stops playing (which is hope is NEVER!!).

    Your grandma is the best..

    Has she tried any of the GTA Games yet??

    What does she think of Jade Empire as opposed to the KOTR stuff??


  • At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Heh. I'll be intrigued to see how long it takes her to beat KOTOR. Unless she likes Star Wars, it might b rather difficult for her to understand, too.

    That's something else... you really ought to get her hooked up with KOTOR II. Now THERE'S some fun profanity moments... *evil laughter*

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Oh she beat KOTOR! Twice. Once for light side once for dark side, and she had some pretty good crystals in her lightsaber as well.

    She did have to go through the whole "Carth Glitch" once, though, that was a bitch to figure out.

    She tried KOTOR II, but it wasn't made by Bioware if I remember correctly, so it seemed... different to her somehow. The load times were longer, I remember her complaining about that.

  • At 11:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Makes sense. KOTOR II was made by Obsidian, and it screwed some stuff up. It got the character scheme better, I think, though.

  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger Michael said…

    This is the funniest blog I've seen in a long long time. LOL

  • At 4:42 AM, Blogger ebizpromo said…

    oh my god your grandma is really too much. she is so funny. Even your whole blog is very funny.


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    This comment has been removed by the author.

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