Grandma's Wii Sports Bowling War I

Of all the Wii Sports games she likes bowling the best and boxing the least. Grandma began playing video games when arcades were first introduced to bowling alleys back in the 70's when she was on a league. She can't bowl anymore because of her knees and back, but she's can still play, goddammit!

Let's meet her first set of enemies, The Twins...


This is Bob. Bob can hook the ball like a motherfucker but his weakness lies in the desire to make strange and peculiar "dude, I totally rock!" faces while bowling, distracting him just enough to screw up an otherwise good serve to the pins.


This is Barbie, Bob's twin sister and all around tormentor. She lost miserably to Grandma at her first Brain Age War and is back for revenge. She rolls fairly straight, but she almost never splits for some reason. Her weakness is 'the slump'; being unable to recover from the failure of picking up a spare.


This is Grandma. Grandma has years of bowling experience but while some may see that as a strength, she sees it as a weakness; she's physically conditioned to her habits of holding a ball with a specific weight, stepping forward in a practiced way, releasing the ball with a rehearsed curve, etc.,. and the Wii provides only a simulated experience. Grandma has retained her team camaraderie from the 70's and often congratulates her challengers on good rolls.

The Wii Bowling War consisted of the three players, each playing for themselves; one practice round followed by three rounds. Winner is best of three; additional rounds to be played if necessary.


The players moved Grandma's gaming chair from in front of the television to remove any chance of obstruction, sync'd the controllers, selected their Mii's, and began the practice round.

Grandma went into the game with a Skill Point level hovering around 1100; just beyond the pro-line. The Twins were significantly lower due to recent poor interim reports preventing them from accessing the Wii, yet both had experience playing the game on their older brother Josh's Wii.

Highlights from the practice round:

Grandma - "Come on.........HOOK!! See?"

Bob - "I hit my hand on the wall!"
Grandma - "Well don't do that."

Barbie - "I suck."
Grandma - "You have to move over more before you throw the ball."
Barbie - "Okay, tell me when to stop..."
Grandma - "Right about there should be good."
Barbie - [rolls gutter] "I still missed! YOU said to roll there!"
Grandma - "Yeah, but you have to roll harder than that."


At the end of the practice round the scores were overall about what I'd expected.

Grandma - 166
Bob - 129
Barbie - 134

No one was surprised that Grandma won, but she was disappointed in herself for getting less than 200. Barbie was excited to beat Bob after he had slumped in the last four frames.


And now the war could begin...



Grandma began the very first frame with a strike. The Twins had both left open frames on the board, but it didn't stay weighted for long. Barbie slumped after following a strike in the fifth frame with an unexpected (6), but Bob caught right up to Grandma after she failed to achieve a spare on the seventh frame. It was extremely close, but Grandma was able to pick up the extra frame after a nine-one spare in the tenth.

Final Score for Round 1:
Grandma - 169
Bob - 165
Barbie - 141

At the beginning of the second round, Barbie took over the board at first, making strange celebratory faces after her first ever Turkey that I honestly don't think she was aware were possible to capture with a high-speed flash sync; something between happiness and pained looks of terror.

Highlights from round two:

Grandma: "Shit! I lost my mark!"

Bob: "I POWN."
Barbie: "Did you just say 'pw3n' in actual ...life?"
Bob: "Yeah. So?"
Barbie: "Dude."

Barbie: "Loo!Loo!Loo!Loo!Loo!Loo!BLAARGHH!!!!"
Grandma: "See? You moved your hand right that time."
Barbie: "I got a strike! Yay!"
Me: "What the fuck."


In the end, however, it would be BOB to dominate all, pulling a personal record of 196 out of nowhere to even the score at 1-1. Grandma had missed her mark too many times to regain a lead, and surprised everyone by finishing last.

Final score for the Round 2:
Grandma - 160
Bob - 196
Barbie - 166


The third game was tense. If either Bob or Grandma won, the tournament would be over unless Barbie could stop making strange bird noises and actually win the last round; sending things into a tie-breaker.


Grandma flubbed a Turkey in the fifth frame by missing a 7-10 split outright and up the middle, which suddenly made things much closer. Although Barbie had calmed down, her game didn't get any better. Bob, however, saw his opportunity.


He watched Grandma's gentle hook leave the 7 and 8 pins standing, so he tried himself from the far right with a stronger hook for a turkey in the last four frames. By the ninth frame, Grandma knew she was beat, already having scored it in her head.



Bob threw heavy in the tenth frame with the comfort that he had already won, and even that put him well over the top. Barbie had since given up; lobbing strange throws down the lane and Grandma was angry at herself for splitting in the fifth, but not so angry as to not congratulate Bob and challenge him to another game later.

That is, until she realized that her skill level had gone down.



Final Score for Round 3:
Grandma - 180
Bob - 202
Barbie - 125


Game on!