Grandma's Birthday Party; My Hangover

Grandma hates when we throw her parties. Our PO Box post resulted in a LOT of birthday cards and presents from folks all over the world; many of you sent her some really kind messages and packages! We're going to showcase some tomorrow for yas; she loved them! Our plans to throw her a party, however, were discovered when she checked my e-mail to find correspondence entitled "Re: Strippers! I need STRIPPERS!!!" Sadly, I couldn't book a stripper soon enough for Saturday.

My quest to provide Grandma with live, clothes-free entertainment blew our cover. Sorry about that. We had a small, intimate celebration Wednesday night with a cake and cards from those of us here at the house.

On Saturday, however, we had an all out family wide party. With booze. I survived to tell the tale.

In the days between Wednesday and Saturday, Grandma would remind me of the wrath that would ensue should we "try anything funny."

"You better not be fucking planning anything. I'll KILL you."

"If you people think we're going to do something Saturday, you are WRONG. I won't even BE there. I'll go SHOPPING or something."

"You think I don't know what's going on- I KNOW. You think I was born yesterday, I know you're up to something."

"Oh, gee! Look at that! I got a birthday card! From a reader. I wonder how they got our address. Yes, I WONDER. I THINK ABOUT IT A LOT."

You get the idea.

Thursday Grandma picked up a little birthday present for herself: Guitar Hero for the PS2. There is a whole lot to say about Guitar Hero and Grandma; but for the purposes of THIS post, let's just say it was the center of attention for about 13 straight hours Saturday. At any given time from about 1:00pm EST to the end the madness, SOMEONE was jamming.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning of the party.

We set up many of the cards you sent her as well as some of the press she's obtained recently. (More to come on ESPN and others, by the way.) Mom set up the trays of food and I picked up the pizza; three large pepperoni sheet pizzas that are now digesting in the stomachs of many. The guests arrived in turn; folks from all over- people she hasn't seen in ages, people from out of state, the usual suspects, everybody. Her daughters and sons were there, as were most of their children, and I began to feel the house fill up quickly.

So I thought about how to make the experience a little more pleasurable; something to take the edge off of the thirty simultaneous conversations; something to make me happy.

I found it:


Needless to say, things get a little warm and hazy after that. So here's a progressively intoxicated photo-essay on the party.


We have a strange family. We all have our place under Grandma's tyrannical rule. Josh's place appears to be "crazy person."


Grandma's office had almost reached full capacity for folks waiting their turn to play Guitar Hero, and also to call those currently playing "weak pussies" who "wouldn't know rock and roll if Jimmy Page shat in their mouths," whatever that means. Pretty much everyone loved the game, and after an initial shaming as they get used to the controls, we all got the hang of it; each of us choosing songs we knew at a greater level of difficulty each turn. Grandma's current favorite is "Ziggy Stardust" because the song is "pretty."


EVERYBODY loves Guitar Hero, goddammit!


We did the whole boring "70" cake Wednesday, so this time around we got a cake that more accurately defined Grandma's character; something that portrayed the moment in these, her autumnal years of reflection.


If I told you what she wished for, she'd NEVER get a gold plated PSP delivered by a muscular, naked, oiled-down rich gentleman! Thems the rules, I guess.


Bobby doesn't know which part of the cake to eat. Bobby is a goddamned idiot. I blame the schools.


At this point I was up to six Jager shots and a glass of wine. These are some people... or something.


Here's a quick camera lesson. The Nikon D100 has three settings; "A" for Aperture Priority, in which Depth of Field usually takes dominance; "S" for Shutter Priority, so you can set speed first and compensate light later; and "P" for Program, in which the camera just does whatever the fuck it wants to do. I usually have it set to "A," but there really is no setting for "Drunk." Here's hoping the D200 has the feature.


For instance: what the hell is THIS? It could be a member of the family, it could be a grizzly bear. I don't know.

With the kids still fixated on besting each others high scores playing Guitar Hero, a bunch of us decided it would be a great idea to drink a few more glasses of wine and take Grandma out to play Bingo. Because she was the only one who could still identify which car was ours (she only had a glass of Kahlua at this point), she drove.


It turns out bingo is now usually played using tabletop computer systems plus the traditional nine-card pad. Video games are infiltrating every aspect of society. We're on the rise, motherfucker!! Woooooo!!!!! I hit soon after this shot of my uncle, but I had to split the winnings four ways. I just gave it to Grandma, anyway.


This photo illustrates all that is good in the world.


When we got home, we all played Guitar Hero until sometime this morning... I think. The sun was up when I finally went to bed.

Grandma had a ball ;)


We have LOTS to talk about!! Grandma's presents, DS games, XBox 360 games, PS2 games, ESPN, AARP, and much, much more. Right now, however, I'm going to continue sitting in a dark room with sunglasses and ear-plugs until the POUNDING STOPS.

Game on!!!