Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Grandma's Psyche Moves Beyond Insane Into Batshit Crazy

"Clear away WHAT cobwebs?"

"Shit.... Shoot the arrows, man....THE ARROWS!!"

"Fuck, not this damn thing again..."

"Okay... He doesn't HAVE any more magic! Will you GET HIM you ...stupid ass..."

"Fucking ASSHOLE, you're getting hit by the ...damn ...stupid... THING! MOVE!!!"

"Oh shit, they're gonna blow up..... FUCK!!! I can't stay away clear enough from him! DAMMIT!!"

Cambodia. It all began in Cambodia. It wasn't so much the Ho Chi Minh trail or the killing fields or sharing stories about filming in Phuket and laying stoned on the beach next to some German supermodel with Spalding Grey before he laid himself to rest in the Hudson River, no: it's Angkor Wat, and the terrifying flashbacks Grandma associates with this magical place.

As she continues down the path of history with Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, she returns to this place- somewhere which she had no intention of stopping by. Grandma's gaming travels first took her to Angkor Wat in the mid nineties, when she was younger, stronger, more naive perhaps but curious enough to try a dual shock controller to see the difference; in that one game that took away so much of her life, yes- the franchise that brought Sony into the kingdom of frustration and titties: Tomb Raider.

It wasn't until Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation for the PC that they finally came out and said "yeah, it's totally Angkor Wat... just like the movie!" but Grandma knew. You take some ruins, add some dragon heads, some creepy, fucked up tree roots devouring the ancient grounds in a misty, South East Asian valley, and you know where you are. They can call it Tibet, they can say it's Thailand, but she knew. Grandma looked around in the Burmese levels of Medal of Honor: Rising Sun with a thin layer of fear over her eyes as though she had recognized the scenery.

Tomb Raider was one of those games that Grandma spoke to herself throughout, as though trying to build up the courage to go somewhere else. She wasn't manhandled by the Khmer Rouge, she was raped by Lara Croft. It all started at the mansion, where she was meticulously trained how to climb up a ledge, run up a ramp and stick to a wall with all the grace of an 80's Olympic gymnast. It was all downhill from there...

"God damn fucking shit COCKSUCKING.... FUCK!!!!" she would say in earnest. It was not Lara's pixilated C-Cup that everyone else was talking about, it was running through the other sort of booby-traps that the ancients had installed for her.

Eternal Darkness brought it all back.

"Aw, come on- not THIS SHIT!! I already went through all this before!!!"

This will only end in tears...


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